the 5 types of couples

We have been able to divide relationships into five groups based on more than four decades' worth of research data: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. I employ love equations in my book, "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love," to describe my findings.

The three types of happy marriages (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) were identified by Harold Raush in his seminal work "Communication, Conflict, and Marriage," which used partner interactions to distinguish between happy and unhappy married couples. Each type of couple has advantages and disadvantages that set them apart from the others.

Hostile couples, one of the two types of unhappy couples we have been able to detect in the Love Lab, remained wed while Hostile-Detached couples eventually got a divorce.

Are you aware of the type you are?

1. Conflict Avoiders

Conflict avoiders reduce their use of persuasion and instead stress their points of agreement. They stay out of arguments, don't say what they need from one another, and praise their union for being generally content. Balance between independence and interdependence is a key characteristic of couples that don't fight. They are distinct individuals with distinct interests, and they have established limits.

The quality of the places where they interact and rely on one another is not being minimized. In those areas of overlap where they are dependent on one another, they can be quite bonded and caring. They display little emotional expression, although they consistently exhibit a five to one positive to negative affect ratio. Their SPAFF (Specific Affect Coding System) weighting isn't particularly favorable, but it's also not terrible either. They feel that their interaction is satisfactory.

2. Volatile Couples

Conflict avoiders avoid conflict at all costs, whereas volatile couples are very emotional. They start persuading during a disagreement talk right away and maintain it throughout. There is a lot of laughter, shared delight, and fun during their discussion. Despite the fact that they seem to enjoy debating and arguing, they are not nasty or insulting.

Their positive-to-negative ratio? Five to one.

Conflict avoiders make every effort to avoid conflict, while volatile couples are very emotional. They immediately begin and continue convincing during a disagreement conversation. They converse while having a lot of fun, laughter, and mutual joy. They don't seem to relish disputing or debate, but they aren't mean or disrespectful either.

3. Validating Couples

These couples' interactions are marked by calmness and ease. They are largely neutral but a little expressive. They resemble a hybrid of avoiders and unstable couples in many aspects. They prioritize understanding and promoting their partner's viewpoint, and they frequently show empathy for their partner's emotions.

They will discuss their differences, but only when certain issues are involved. On some topics, they can become fiercely competitive, which could result in a power struggle. Then, typically, they cool off and make concessions. Validating couples exhibit only minimal emotional expression during dispute. Once more, for validators, the positive-to-negative effect ratio hovered around a five-to-one ratio.

4. Hostile Couples

Similar to validating couples, hostile couples differ in that both partners exhibit significant degrees of defensiveness. According to the Love Lab's studies with heterosexual couples, the wife typically avoids while the husband validates. That was based on influence function shapes; for further information, see "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love."

A lot of criticism, "you always" and "you never" remarks, and complaining were also present. Each pair reaffirmed their own point of view when there was a disagreement, and neither partner's standpoint appeared to have any support or understanding from the other. There was a lot of disdain. There were all Four Horsemen present.

5. Hostile-Detached Couples

These relationships are like two armies locked in a lonely and frustrating standoff with no apparent winner—only a deadlock. They snipe at each other when things get heated, yet the air is thick with emotional numbness and resignation, like gun smoke.

In the Love Lab, we discovered that when argument between two validators escalates, one of them will eventually concede. Will the volatility, however, permit the validator to leave? Without a doubt.

Why then does the combative separated couple end up divorcing? Why do the combative couple not? Could it be that the "establishment of trust" part of the second stage of love holds the key to finding the solution? We have an explanation for our love equations: While hostile-detached (validator-volatile) couples do not control their negativity, hostile couples (validator-avoider) do.