Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips to Consider

If you and your ex-lover have recently broken up, you may be debating whether or not it's a good idea to try and remain friendly with them in the future.

When someone has been a significant part of your life, it might be difficult to suddenly cut off all communication with them. It might be difficult to move on from someone, especially if you have a deep emotional and physical connection.

On the other side, if you're feeling upset and angry, it can be difficult to have a cordial relationship with that person. It's possible that you have a lot of conflicting emotions for them.

Why You Might Want to Be Friends With an Ex

You have common friends:

You and your ex share a large number of mutual friends, which can complicate matters for everyone involved. Maintaining friendships requires both parties to put in some effort.

You’re co-parenting together: 

If you and your ex are sharing parental responsibilities, it's in the best interest of your children to maintain cordial relations between the two of you.

You’re colleagues: 

If you and your ex used to work together, it's in both of your best interests to maintain a positive working relationship.

You have a foundation of friendship:

If you and your ex were friends first and then started dating, you may have a solid friendship foundation. It's possible that you'll decide you're happier as friends than lovers. For instance, studies have shown that friends with benefits relationships typically end amicably, with both parties returning to their former friendship status.1

When Is It a Good Idea?

You and your ex have moved on from romantic sentiments and are now just friends. A platonic relationship is one in which you treat the other person just as a friend.

You and your potential friend share similar values and motivations, making it easier to become fast friends.

You're always there for each other and you respect and care about one another.

When Is It a Bad Idea?

Both you and your ex have harmed each other deeply by lying or cheating.

You're hoping to reconcile with an ex because you still care about them.

Your ex-lover still cares about you, but you no longer feel the same way.

You're feeling isolated and would appreciate some company.

You want to demonstrate that you've moved on from the relationship and are thriving on your own.

You want to find out what they're up to now that you're not in it.

According to Silva, we tend to obsess over our slain partners when we are either unable to move on or unable to engage in the dating process. By bringing up the incompatibility, toxicity, and bad feelings experienced during your time together, "trying to rekindle a friendship with your ex can help reveal why you chose to break up."

How Long Should You Wait?

You might be wondering if it's too soon to try to be friends with your ex after a breakup.

Silva argues that there is no magic number of years that can transform a relationship into what you imagine it should be. It really just depends on the specifics of the couple's situation. 

A lack of emotional investment is one possible explanation for a relationship's brief duration. Because of this, you might be able to easily move on and be friends with your ex.

How to Make It Work

Here are some approaches that may help you remain cordial with your former flame.

Be Honest With Yourself 

Do you harbour any hope of reconciling with an ex you once loved?

How do you feel about them now?

To what goal are you cultivating this friendship?

Do you think you can maintain a good friendship with them?

How will you handle it if they begin seeing someone else?

Always be truthful with how you really feel. Otherwise, attempting friendship could wind up causing you more harm than good.

Avoid Reminiscing About Your Relationship

She says that when you do this, you cherry-pick the elements of your relationship that you find most meaningful and leave out the rest. Says one expert, "This idealises your ex-partner and creates a false sense of hope about how the person fits into your life."

Set Boundaries

Maintaining healthy boundaries with your exes is crucial. Your platonic relationship with them should not mirror your romantic one. Establishing limits helps to make sure that taboos aren't stepped over.