How to Break the Cycle of Blame in Your Relationship

When one spouse blames the other for a problem in the relationship and makes that person the target of their complaint or conflict, the problem escalates and the cycle of blame continues. As a result, the other person could start to feel threatened and protective. A blame game does nothing to fix a broken relationship and only helps to escalate tensions.

You may have found yourself on either the victim or the perpetrator side of a dispute and be wondering what to do next. Understanding what goes into a blame cycle, what causes it, and how you may break out of it will help you find healthier ways to interact with others.

Understanding the Blame Cycle

"Self-reflective triggers are generally the first step in the blame game. In other words, "we end up projecting onto our partner the very things we are insecure about," as sex therapist and SOHOMD co-founder Dr. Edward Ratush explains. As he puts it, this happens "because the qualities we beat ourselves up over are so ingrained and tough to let go of, it's easy to fall into a similar cycle with our partners."

If, in times of difficulty, we are quick to point fingers at our partner, we risk damaging their trust in us. Furthermore, since we aren't coming from a place of pure reason or fact, it renders any discussion of the problem futile. If your partner is afraid of taking the blame for your difficulties, they may avoid discussing them with you. The result can be hurt feelings and the breakdown of the partnership.

Causes of Blame in Relationships

Blame cycles in relationships develop when each partner shifts the emphasis away from themselves. As long as the person who is being blamed refuses to take responsibility for their part in the situation, it may be impossible to find a solution.

Because they are acting out of a place of self-protection after being blamed for whatever has gone wrong, the person receiving the blame is unlikely to behave and communicate as they would prefer.

You can place the blame for whatever problems you're experiencing squarely on your partner(s): A quarrel about household chores or a failure to meet expectations that were previously discussed are all examples of such situations. There's no telling what could trigger someone into perpetually blaming someone else for their own misfortune.

Consequences of the Blame Game

It's easy to see how laying blame at another person's feet may spiral into a downward spiral for any relationship. We should have a look at what they are.

Poor Communication

A person's reluctance to engage in conflict increases when they believe they will be blamed for problems that are not their fault. As a result, communication may suffer. A normal, healthy relationship is one in which each partner is able to communicate their feelings and requests for change to the other. You probably won't do it if you think you'll get in trouble for wanting things to change.

Emotional Distancing

Being close to someone can be difficult if you feel you can't be open and talk honestly with them. That could cause one spouse to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. This could be something you do consciously or unconsciously, on a regular basis or sometimes.

Resentment

It's not surprising that a person would feel resentful in a blamed situation, especially if the practice of blaming was getting in the way of communication. Anger can develop rapidly or slowly, and it often festers over time. It's frustrating when you can't express yourself to the person(s) you care about, and it can lead to anger.

Even if you're good at keeping your feelings of resentment to yourself, they might still surface in ways that aren't reflective of who you want to be.

Breakup

If the underlying issues aren't dealt with or fixed, the blame game can destroy a relationship. Long-term relationship success depends on honest, open dialogue, but the blame game can make that difficult to achieve.

It's possible for one partner to decide they've had enough of being blamed for the relationship's issues, even if communication is still happening on a regular basis. A breakup may occur if efforts are not made to cease the blame game.

How to Navigate Blame Constructively

It may be more productive to assume that your partner is doing their best and to offer feedback that is useful and constructive to the connection rather than detrimental and destructive, rather than assuming the worst and that the other person has done something to purposely harm you.

While there will inevitably be times when someone is at fault, it can be more productive to approach dialogues from a place of curiosity, mindfulness, self-awareness, and collaborative problem-solving rather than blame and shame.

Cultivating Healthy Relationship Patterns

One way to start altering blame-based behaviors is to approach conflicts with an attitude of curiosity, caring, and compassion. You get out of life what you put into it, says Ratush. He argues that a couple's success will depend on how much they commit to the procedure.

Positivist outcomes can be greatly increased by cultivating self-care, compassion, and empathy. Knowing that our partners are human and making errors too might help us to forgive them and to treat them with kindness and compassion. Recognizing that your partner cares about you and isn't attempting to cause you harm might be helpful in reducing the urge to automatically place blame.