How to Handle Your Child’s “Frenemy”

Is the term "frenemy" familiar to you? That buddy who pretends to be there for you and claims they love you, but who is actually quite excellent at bringing you down, undermining your self-esteem, and causing trouble? Trying to understand her subtle forms of aggression and determine whether you can trust her can be a draining experience when dealing with that kind of individual. Think about how much more challenging it must be for your child. It's important for you to be prepared to deal with your child's negative friends, Mom.

Occasionally, it's best for childhood enemies to just separate ways. On other occasions, it's trickier than that. Getting your youngster free from a harmful "friend" could be a bit of a challenge. You can assist your youngster cope with negative friendships in five ways.

Help your child understand the reasons why.

In elementary school, one of my daughters' friends suffered from severe insecurity. Due to her own insecurities, the child would act jealously whenever my daughter spent time with her friends and would often say negative things in an effort to undermine my daughter's self-esteem. It was her strategy for making them equals. Until I told my kid that her buddy was actually feeling terrible about herself, and this is how it came across, she just saw it as cruel. It didn't fix everything (the relationship was still difficult), but it let my child see through the other girl's insecurity and dismiss some of her insults.

Accept that some friendships aren’t meant to be.

For our own convenience, we may encourage our children to keep hanging out with troublemakers. Perhaps the other mother is your best friend or the person who can carpool with you the most easily. However, it is unfair to consistently subject your child to dealing with an unpleasant child if the children are involved in a dispute that your child cannot resolve by adapting his or her own conduct in a thoughtful manner. Stop forcing your own child to play with others too much.

Roleplay relationship strategies.

If your youngster is determined to save the connection, teach them to deal with the types of problems that arise most often while they're with the adversary. "You might not have meant it that way, but what you said just hurt my feelings," is a nice but strong statement that your child might use when dealing with an enemy who is persistent in using subtle praises or insults. Kids (and adults) who are manipulative usually cave in when their antics are exposed.

Point out what genuine friendship looks like.

When your daughter gets on the soccer squad, her rival could make a snarky remark, but her true friends will likely be overjoyed for her. You should make sure she takes note of that and knows what a genuine buddy is. No matter how she figures out how to deal with her opponent, you still don't want her to internalize or even mimic their toxic relationship practices.

When it’s really bad, do what needs to be done.

Taking more extreme measures to remove your child from a harmful friendship may be necessary when all other options have been exhausted. Subtly ask that they be moved to different classrooms next year. Give your child the freedom to say no when asked to sleep over or play with friends. Tell the truth in a gentle way if the kid or other parent asks if something is wrong. Perhaps the child will be more generous in the future if he or she knows that their actions will cause them to lose a friend. It could also shed light on how the frenemy's parents can guide their child to improve as a friend.