What Is Revenge Cheating?

In romantic relationships, "revenge cheating" occurs when one spouse cheats on the other in retaliation for the other partner's infidelity.

Infidelity is the most common kind of deceit in romantic relationships, according to a study published in the North American Journal of Psychology, and it is more likely to occur when one partner is less devoted to the relationship. The same research also indicated that over 75% of males and 68% of women would admit to having cheated sexually in the past.

But why do people cheat, and what does it mean, exactly? Researchers who followed 85 college freshmen found that the vast majority of them had cheated on their partners in an act of "revenge" to force their partners to change. What this meant to them was that their partner cared more about how much their pain affected them. However, the study found that most occurrences of revenge infidelity were "mild" or "moderate," meaning that the cheater did not fully reciprocate the behaviors of their partner with someone else.

Types of Cheating

While it's clear that men and women react differently to infidelity in different ways, it may not be so clear that these differences exist across the board.

Sexual: This refers to extramarital sex between a married or committed couple.

The emotional attachment or dependence occurs when one spouse develops feelings for someone outside of the relationship.

One study3 indicated that while both sexes were affected by adultery, men were more upset by sexual infidelity and women were more distressed by emotional infidelity. The major caveat was that it was dependent on how the partners discovered the infidelity, which may have led people to place more emphasis on the duration of the emotional relationship than the physical relationship itself.

The Four Factors That Determine Whether or Not People Seek Revenge

All of these elements depend on how the offended party interprets what transpired in the relationship and might range widely. A person's propensity to seek revenge after discovering their partner's infidelity may depend on factors such as how they learned of the infidelity, whether or not their partner is prepared to apologize, and whether or not the infidelity was emotional or sexual in nature.

This being stated, regardless of the specifics, research4 Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Revenge: Its Perks, Drawbacks, and Irony. According to the journal Social and Personality Psychology Compass, the range of study is between 1193 and 1205.

 demonstrates that the following four considerations are most important when determining whether or not to exact vengeance:

An individual's cost perception occurs when they weigh the mental and emotional toll of pursuing revenge against the intended consequence (in this case, the cheater's partner's pain).

The degree of anger someone feels may have something to do with their own emotional reactions, but it may also have something to do with how much they believe they were betrayed.

Religious and cultural norms A person's propensity to pursue vengeance is affected by their cultural and religious norms regarding the acceptability of such behavior.

How to Forgive Your Partner's Infidelity

Importantly, the pair defines forgiveness as "a deliberate and active change in attitude motivated by a desire to heal," which shifts the emphasis from the cheated partner to the victim's perspective. They identify three prerequisites for forgiving an unfaithful partner:

The cheated-upon partner's cognitive work here is to try to see things from their partner's point of view with compassion, rather than assuming malice.

Behavior: The cheated partner treats their partner with respect and abandons all thoughts of retaliation.

Feelings-wise, the cheated-upon party must let go of anger and bitterness in order to open up to new feelings of love and acceptance.

Reasons to Avoid Revenge Cheating

The same research found that people felt this way when the individual seeking retribution started a new relationship, damaged their partner's reputation, or tried to steal their partner's resources.

It's best to just be open and honest with your partner about how they've been making you feel. At some time, you'll need to decide whether or not you can forgive the other person and move on without harboring resentment, or whether you should stop the relationship altogether. These solutions can help you move on, whereas pursuing vengeance will just lead to more stress for you and your partner.

An unfaithful partner is one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship. If you or your partner has been the victim of infidelity, be forthright and honest about your willingness to forgive. Remind yourself that your partner's infidelity is more of a reflection of who they are than of anything you accomplished, regardless of whether the relationship has a future or not.