What Is Self-Loathing?

To hate or loathe oneself is to be extremely critical of oneself. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, and you may feel completely unworthy of happiness. If you suffer from self-hatred, you may compare yourself to a stalker who constantly berates and shames you for your perceived shortcomings.

What Causes Self-Loathing?

Over time, you begin to hate yourself. Multiple factors, such as traumatic experiences, unrealistic standards, peer pressure, and ingrained habits, often combine to bring it on.

Trauma

Children who have experienced trauma tend to develop a negative outlook on the world and the people in it. Trying to make sense of their circumstances, people may internalize a story that convinces them they are unlovable and of little worth.

It's possible that a parent or other loved one said something unpleasant to the person directly. These kinds of critical thoughts become a regular fixture in their minds very quickly.

False Expectations

It is natural to have desires to fit in, to be liked, and to do well. However, there are times when we set standards for ourselves that no human being could ever hope to meet. As a result of falling short of these lofty standards, we frequently experience a sense of failure.

Our critical self emerges at these times to humiliate us and remind us of our failures. The critical voice within keeps hammering away at declarations of self-hatred even when the reasoning part of us knows full well that the expectations are irrational.

Social Comparison

Comparing oneself to another is a certain way to feel bad about oneself. Licensed mental health counselor at the New York City Psychotherapy Collective, Allie Soss, says, "We tend to see more positive attributes about someone else's life than our own, whether that be in terms of appearance, professionalism, wealth, etc." 

Upward comparison is typical among people who suffer from self-hatred. Simply put, this indicates that you have a propensity to compare yourself to others and place less importance on yourself than you do on others' "better" performance.

The Tolls of Self-Hatred

There are numerous facets of life that are impacted by and influenced by self-hatred. Hating oneself might keep you from seeing the big picture, taking calculated risks, building meaningful relationships, and realizing your full potential.

According to Soss, this is because your fundamental ideas shape how you see the world, how you interpret your experiences, and how you assume other people feel about you. 

The Workplace

It's hardly surprise that feelings of self-loathing would have an effect on one's professional life, given the performance-based nature of most jobs (acting a certain way, living up to workplace standards, connecting with others). When you don't value yourself, you may be less motivated to take on assignments or have trouble collaborating with others. You may blame yourself or others for your poor performance on the job.

Social Situations

If you have a habit of constantly and relentlessly criticizing and disliking yourself, it might be challenging to make and keep friends. You may avoid social situations altogether for fear of being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Or, you could come out as distant or uncaring, which would hinder your ability to form deep relationships.

Family Relationships

If you have a habit of constantly and relentlessly criticizing and disliking yourself, it might be challenging to make and keep friends. You may avoid social situations altogether for fear of being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Or, you could come out as distant or uncaring, which would hinder your ability to form deep relationships.

How to Stop the Cycle of Self-Loathing

It's difficult, tiring, and lonely to live with a deep-seated loathing of one's own self. Thankfully, there are actions we can take to hush the critical voice within, quell the emotional upheaval, and forge ahead with optimism.

Tame Your Inner Critic

If you have a hard time not believing the negative things you tell yourself, you may be dealing with a self-hating inner critic. When this happens, it can be good to take a step back and separate your emotions from the situation.

Inventory Your Strengths

If you want to feel better about yourself on a daily basis, take a few minutes to reflect on the good things in your life.  As Soss argues, "finding more positive aspects more often can begin once you are able to notice at least one positive attribute about yourself on a regular basis."

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Soss suggests reframing as a strategy for overcoming negative thinking, in addition to focusing on one's strengths. You should actively combat any negative self-talk by replacing it with more balanced or neutral thoughts.

It's better to tell yourself things like "I'm trying my best" and "I'm developing my skills the more I practice" than "I'm the worst at this!"