To achieve dominance and control over another person in a romantic or intimate relationship, one partner may resort to violent or abusive behaviour. Abuse comes in various shapes and sizes, from the more obvious ones like physical violence and coercion to the more subtle ones like emotional, sexual, or financial abuse.

Sexual violence is a form of physical violence that can occur in abusive relationships. You can still say "no" to sexual activity even if you love the other person. Forcing someone to engage in sexual activity is always abusive, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Sexual abuse occurs when a person is subjected to sexual humiliation or coercion.

The concept of relationship violence refers to a range of actions that are widely misunderstood. You may have overheard someone asking, "Why doesn't she/he/they leave?" or "Why would she/he/they stay with him/her/them if he/she/they are abusing them?" These inquiries and assertions may be harmful because they place the onus of responsibility for the violence on the victim. They place the blame for the victim's experience on the victim rather than the offender. The individual experiencing abuse is the expert on their own situation, and there are many factors that make it tough to leave an abusive partner.

Definitions

Definitions under the Campus SaVE/Clery Act/VAWA regulations, 34 C.F.R. Section 668.46

DATING VIOLENCE

Acts of violence committed by someone who is or was in a romantic or intimate connection with the victim.

• The existence of such a relationship shall be determined based on the reporting party’s statement and with consideration of the length of the relationship, the type of relationship, and the frequency of interaction between the persons involved in the relationship.
• For the purposes of this definition:
  • Dating violence includes, but is not limited to, sexual or physical abuse or the threat of such abuse.
  • Dating violence does not include acts covered under the definition of domestic violence.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

A felony or misdemeanor crime of violence committed:

• By a current or former spouse or intimate partner of the victim;
• By a person with whom the victim shares a child in common;
• By a person who is cohabitating with, or has cohabitated with, the victim as a spouse or intimate partner;
• By a person similarly situated to a spouse of the victim under the domestic or family violence laws of the jurisdiction in which the crime of violence occurred, or
• By any other person against an adult or youth victim who is protected from that person’s acts under the domestic or family violence laws of the jurisdiction in which the crime of violence occurred.

ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS

Name calling, ridicule, accusations, swearing, demeaning comments or gestures, and making fun of your most deeply held ideas are all forms of destructive criticism and attack.

Methods of coercion or threat: Using guilt, fear, or intimidation to force you to make a decision quickly; repeatedly telling you to leave or threatening to leave; making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others; threatening you with a weapon, etc.; locking you in or out of the house; removing the children; threatening suicide; reporting you to the Department of Social Services; endangering your job or other valuable possessions.

There are many forms of emotional abuse, including using lies or contradictions to manipulate you (playing "mind games"); making you feel stupid or crazy (usually targeting your worst emotions); breaking promises; manipulating children you share custody of; leaving you in a dangerous situation; refusing to care for you or seek medical attention when you're ill or injured; and destroying your belongings.

When someone stalks you, they may continuously follow, harass, or threaten you; call or text you excessively; wait for you in public or private spaces; keep an eye on you from afar; or any combination of these behaviours.

When someone uses threats, intimidation, or compulsion to get you to engage in sexual activity, or when they treat you disrespectfully or force you to engage in sexual activity, they are engaging in sexual violence.

Reduce, deny, and shift the blame: Downplaying the gravity of the situation, denying that abuse ever occurred, or blaming the victim ("It's your fault, you made me do it.") for one's own abusive actions are all forms of making light of abusive behaviour.

Abusive physical contact: Attacking you physically, whether by slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, or holding you to keep you from leaving the house or the company of others or the family pet.

Harassment includes intrusive online behaviour including obsessive e-mailing, IMing, Facebooking, calling, and texting; unwanted physical contact; public humiliation; refusal to leave when asked; accusations of cheating; and unwanted physical contact.

You are under economic control if someone is interfering with your ability to work, if they are refusing to pay you, if they are keeping your money, if they have taken your car keys, if they have damaged your credit, if they are pushing you to engage in unlawful activity in exchange for money.

Isolation: not letting you have a phone or access to a car; preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives; making friends and family uncomfortable so they do not want to visit; monitoring phone calls; dictating where you can and cannot go.

You are being intimidated if someone is using any of the following tactics: staring you down, standing in your way, making angry or threatening gestures, acting "crazy" or out of control, driving recklessly, using their size against you (by, for example, blocking the doorway during an argument), or out-yelling you.

LGBTQIA Relationship Violence

Relationship violence against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, or Queer people is comparable to that against heterosexual victims in many respects, but it is different in other ways. Abusers frequently attempt specialised types of violence according to the victim's identification and the social climate where they live.

Bringing or threatening to bring a partner's sexual orientation or gender identity into question with friends, coworkers, employers, the government, religious or community groups, or in a child custody battle.

Fears that no one will aid the victim or that the victim's partner deserves the abuse because the victim is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender are reinforced.

Justifying one's own behaviour against a partner by insisting that they are not lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender because they have had or are having relationships or expressing a gender identity that doesn't fit the abuser's standards. Both verbal and emotional abusers can exploit this against their victims, isolating them even further from society.

Advocating that bisexual men and women are not "really" queer or that their orientation is a betrayal of their same-sex partner is one tactic of using the victim's fluid orientation against them.  Threats of outing or doubting the commitment of the abused partner on the basis of their sexual orientation or gender identity can also be used against bisexual and queer people in different-sex relationships.

 The Centres for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 26% of gay males, 37% of bisexual men, and 44% of lesbian women had experienced rape, physical assault, or stalking at the hands of an intimate partner.

But I’m a college student… I don’t have to worry about relationship abuse, right?

College students unfortunately face the problem of dating and domestic abuse, which is a risk factor for future abuse in relationships and marriages. Here is a collection of red flags that indicate abusive behaviour. Remember that if you or a friend ever experience any of these behaviours in a relationship, it is the perpetrator's responsibility, not the victim's, to change.  Keep in mind that while exhibiting some or all of these behaviours may point to an abusive relationship, that does not make the relationship abusive.  When in a relationship, each person has the right to establish limits with their spouse in a manner that makes them feel secure and loved.

Warning Signs of Abusive Behaviors

Acts envious when you spend time with other people. Maybe he or she thinks jealousy shows how much they care.

accuses their partner of flirting or cheating on a regular basis, or acts suspiciously towards their partner's other significant connections.

Attempts to regulate your actions and interactions by dictating what you can and cannot say or wear.

Efforts made to cut you off from friends and family. Could attempt to cut you off from help, relationships, and support systems.

During sexual activity, resorts to threats, compulsion, or manipulation.

insults or belittles you. minimises the value of your success.

demonstrates extreme fluctuations in mood or conduct. A person's behaviour might change dramatically from one moment to the next.Implies the use of actual force is possible. Attempts to scare you by breaking or striking stuff.

Stops you from leaving the room by pushing, shoving, or otherwise physically interfering with you.

Has a history of hitting partners but claims they were provoked.

It's possible they'll use their power over your finances to prevent you from going to work, handling your own finances, or using your own vehicle.

Why They Don’t Leave

It's a common misconception that abuse victims stay in abusive relationships because they enjoy being abused. No, actually the opposite is true.Those who suffer domestic or dating partner abuse typically don't stick around because they enjoy the abuse. The victim may remain for a variety of reasons, such as love and connection, social isolation or embarrassment, financial concerns, or fear of vengeance in the form of physical assault or murder if they were to leave.

There's also the widely held belief that "emotional abuse" isn't as bad as "real abuse."  However, the effects of emotional abuse can be far-reaching and devastating to the victim's mental health. It is the most devastating part of abusive relationships for many victims.

Keep in mind that there is no provocation for violent or demeaning behaviour against a partner. Anger can be sparked during an argument, but abuse is always a deliberate act of dominance on the part of the abuser. An act of domestic violence is any action or series of actions taken with the goal to coerce the victim into complying with the abuser's wishes.

How You Can Take Care of Yourself

Don't put the blame on yourself, and don't make excuses for your partner.

Make a strategy for your protection. Get some assistance from somebody you trust, like family or a doctor.

Think about what you'll need to stay safe, and how the risks you face can be reduced, even only briefly.

Think about people you know who might be able to help you out (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) and how you can reach out to them.

Take into account any prerequisites you may have for successfully ending the relationship.

Protecting your sexual health is important if you have experienced sexual violence or reproductive abuse.

For support, you can contact a crisis hotline, such as S.A.R.A.H. (314) 935-8080 or Uncle Joe's (314) 935-5099, or a women's shelter. During the school year, you can purchase one of these.

Leaving this page