Why Is Dating So Hard?

You've undoubtedly asked your pals, "why is dating so hard?" at least a few times in your life if you've ever done any dating and you didn't meet your partner in high school. Perhaps you were so frustrated that you came here specifically to get this answer.

If you feel this way, know that you are shared by many. Nearly half of Americans agree with the statement that dating is more difficult than it was ten years ago.1 Physical and mental dangers have increased, social interaction is more challenging, and society norms have shifted, to name a few causes. 

Dating can make even the most secure person feel anxious and exposed. You put yourself out there in a lot of ways: wondering if the other person feels the same way about you, worrying about being too vulnerable, possibly thinking about your physique, and wondering if there is sexual chemistry. 

Why Is Dating So Hard?

One psychologist we spoke to agreed that dating should be challenging, but acknowledged that there are several factors at play. Technology has simplified certain aspects of dating but has added new layers of complexity elsewhere.

The Paradox of Choice

According to the paradox of choice2, the more options you have, the more difficult it is to make a decision. If you feel that dating is more challenging now than it was for your parents' generation or even just ten or fifteen years ago, you're not incorrect. Dating apps and social media have expanded our pool of potential partners far beyond those we know in our immediate vicinity or might encounter by chance.

Dating should be challenging, but not impossible. "It's a delicate balance, and you want to be open but not too open, and it's challenging to find that sweet spot," says licensed therapist Chloe Carmichael, PhD.

Personal Expectations

Many daters take into account, or even hope, that their tonight's date will be the one that ends in marriage. Consider the concept in terms of making new friends; you wouldn't expect to find your soulmate at a social gathering. What makes dating so unique? 

Societal Expectations

As a result, many women were taught from an early age that they "needed" a male to provide for them, a message they may have reinforced at home if their parents were conservative.

Even if they realize cognitively that they don't need to be "saved" by a man, many women may still believe that they must be "picked" by a man rather than merely seeing if they are compatible with the other person. 

Dating Apps

There's a good chance you're using a dating app if you're currently on the market. Almost forty percent of couples today say they met online.We get that using a dating app might feel like a maze at times.

"Apps, on one level, make it harder to sort through," explains Carmichael. The upside is that you can find more individuals to date than you would have otherwise, and you can let them know right away that you're available and single. 

Safety

Women in particular may feel more unsafe now than they ever have before. New dangers, such as being catfished, receiving unsolicited graphic images, or having your own intimate photos shared without your permission, have emerged alongside the popularity of online dating and the advancement of technology more generally.

Social Media

And in ways we've never had before, social media gives us a window into the intimate lives of our friends and acquaintances. Illusion, because few people share the details of their recent fights or the challenges they have in maintaining healthy relationships. 

What to Do About Dating Being So Hard

Dating is difficult; nonetheless, you shouldn't give up hope. Finding a life partner might be difficult, but there are methods to cope and even enjoy the process.

Keep a Log

Many people have a hard time dating because they feel powerless. It can feel like a huge mental challenge, and you may start to question whether or not your mind is actually playing tricks on you. Do you really miss your date as much as you say you do, or are you just lonely?

If you want to ride out this roller coaster of feelings, Carmichael has some advice for you. She recommends keeping a dating log (much how a mental health patient might keep a journal to deal with anxiety). She recommends keeping a simple journal in which you record brief notes on each date. Write down everything that happened on your date, including who asked who out and who paid for dinner.

Hedge Your Bets

Because they can't stand the feeling of limbo, many people hurry into partnerships before they're ready. According to Carmichael, "not become exclusive by default—only become exclusive after you've had a conversation [with your partner] on why you both want to become exclusive" if you're seeking for a monogamous relationship.