Communication Habits to Avoid in Your Marriage

As a therapist, I spend much of my day observing interactions between couples and helping them learn healthy alternatives to destructive patterns of interaction.

• It's as if he's deaf to my pleas for help.
• We'll get nowhere by fighting. Then why do you even bring it up?"

Despite its inherent difficulty, communication is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship.  Amazing study on love and communication has been conducted by John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle. Based on his findings, John Gottman dubs these four destructive patterns of interaction between partners as the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

1. Criticism

If you're constantly critiquing your husband, he must have done something wrong. Either his deeds or his persona are being criticized. A lack of respect and love for your partner is the cumulative result of constant criticism. This behavior will cause him to withdraw emotionally from you and lay the groundwork for unequal conflict resolution. Critical communication has a lower likelihood of being understood. In order to break this pattern, Gottman recommends using a "gentle start up." This includes being open about your emotions, the circumstances that brought them on, and your requirements. The term "you" is often perceived as hostile and should be avoided.  Here are some suggestions for mending a separating marriage.

2. Defensiveness

When you feel threatened, it's natural to want to defend yourself. This practice can help you feel more secure and less shamed in the face of an attack. When I'm working with defensive couples, I often witness an escalation of the issue as one argument leads to another. Gottman advises against taking the defensive stance of shifting blame and instead taking responsibility for one's actions.

3. Stonewalling

This is the expression of someone who is disengaging from the discussion. Either they physically depart or they show little interest in what you're saying. When one party in a conversation becomes overwhelmed with tension and begins to withdraw, this often occurs. The best way to get through to someone who is stonewalling is to give them some space to cool off. When they are feeling better, it's time to pick up where you left off in a constructive manner.

4. Contempt

Feeling contempt for another person is a sign of superiority. You feel yourself as better than and you examine every mistake your spouse makes. According to Gottman, this is the worst of the horsemen and the strongest predictor of divorce, whether expressed vocally or nonverbally.

Gottman suggests that the opposite of disrespect is to foster an environment of appreciation and to express one's wants and needs with the help of "I" words. When you're working late, for instance, I become really lonely. I really need us to spend some time together.