From a Therapist: 4 Reasons Women Avoid Working on Their Marriage

It's not easy to be the healthy, responsible partner. Many of the people I've worked with as a therapist hit roadblocks and stop doing what they could to bring the relationship forward. Some of my customers are worn out to the point of despair. Some people just feel hopeless, like they're at the foot of a mountain with no idea how to get to the top.

The road to a happy marriage isn't always easy, but I've seen marriages blossom in ways the wives never dreamed were possible once they committed to making changes. It required time, effort, and determination, and both partners realized they had to overcome the obstacles keeping them from a successful marriage. Four reasons why females don't try to improve their marriages are listed.

1. “It’s too hard.”

This is a true statement that can become a trap if you give it too much thought. Is it OK to not make an effort simply because something is challenging? Would you allow your child to avoid doing their math assignment if they complained that it was too difficult? When we face a challenge head-on, we often discover areas of development in which we had no idea we were lacking. If you give in to this justification, you're essentially saying that the relationship isn't worth fighting for. The only outcome is one of suffering and ruin. Instead, have faith that you will be okay and work toward that idea. 

2. “I don’t know how.”

It can be difficult to know what to do in order to have a good relationship. However, as we mentioned before, the first step is the hardest. Here are two fantastic iMOM.com resources to help you get started. Examine the several suggestions and implement the one that seems most promising.

3. “I won’t if he won’t.”

This is a really risky justification. This kind of attitude will impede you from moving forward and will make it seem like you're not on the same team as your spouse. In order for progress to be made, someone has to take the initiative. When you and your husband use this as an excuse, it becomes a sham. Many of my clients have learned the hard way that building walls of hatred and animosity is not the way to go. Closeness to others seems impossible in this state of mind. Knowing what has to change to make a relationship healthier isn't enough; action is required. If you refuse to do so, the situation will only get worse.

In my experience, when a customer makes a change, their partner often follows suit. When one partner takes responsibility for ending the destructive pattern in the marriage, the cycle ends. When one person's actions alter the dynamic of the cycle, it can no longer be maintained in the same way. If your husband does not immediately change after you start choosing the "high road," you must fight very hard to avoid falling back down. You can only manage your own actions, not his.

4. “He won’t even notice.”

When you think your efforts aren't being seen or won't make a difference, you may feel despondent. Why bother making an effort? The idea isn't uncommon at all. It's not about your husband noticing if you make positive changes in your marriage; it's about you wanting to do what's best for yourself and the relationship. Working through a rough patch in a relationship takes time and effort. When you decide to take steps toward a healthy lifestyle, it's important to keep realistic expectations. It's not like turning on a light. You'll need perseverance and patience.

Maintaining a strong connection takes effort, but it's doable if you're ready to put in the time and effort.  Quit making excuses; it's time to do better.